Relapse

In the last two months I have managed to land in the hospital getting my head checked for a week by mental health services, and then not long after, relapse with Crohn’s Disease and end up hospitalized for 9 days.  It turns out this whole food thing is a bigger deal than I’d like it to be, emotionally and physically. For purposes of this entry, we will keep things related to the current flair up.

Tests showed that the whole last foot of my intestines is inflamed and thickened. Not good. I got released from the hospital the day before yesterday, and am starting Paul Nison’s program again tomorrow for healing inflammatory bowel disease.  This time it is imperative that I follow all of the advice, including staying 80% raw after the fasting period.  I didn’t do that last time, in fact I slipped all the way back to what I was doing that led to my first flair up in three years all over again.  In little more than two months, even.  Sheesh.  I am tempted to feel ashamed, but I know that will not help things.  

Unfortunately it is going to take me twenty days to taper myself off of Prednisone, the evil steroid monster, but I am praying I can get through it.  I’m just giving this over to God now, folks.  I can’t do this by myself anymore.

I wish I lived somewhere where people led this lifestyle successfully, where we could support each other.  It is just so hard otherwise.  But let me stop before I sound too much like a victim.  I am about ready to collapse from exhaustion already.  I don’t need negative mind sets weighing me down.  

*breathes*

I can do this.

Little By Little, We Are Getting There

It has been a few days since I’ve written here, and it feels like worlds have passed through me. There has been an intense emotional process nearly every day of sans this one.  There have been some serious overhauls and uncoverings and reworkings internally since this process began.  But the main aspect I will touch on in this entry is the physical healing.  I will try to go in to the other aspects later, once they have coagulated a little more.

I successfully worked my way through Paul Nison’s Program for a flare up of Crohn’s Disease, albeit a little roughly.  That is to say that I over taxed myself at one point, which meant I needed more calories than I was getting, and I made some sub-optimal choices that were a bit jarring and painful for my digestive system. Paul even emphasises the importance of no stress and lots of rest numerous times in the book, but I got restless, and ended up overdoing it. Just one day was enough to send me into a spiral of a mess that took a while to balance out from. But I adjusted and eventually made my way to eating again. 

Since then, I have only been able to maintain a raw diet of about 80%, but it has been enough to shut off the inflammatory process.  Also, I got some of the ingredients for the program a little late, such as the medicinal quality enzymes and probiotics, but once I started them, almost all pain and discomfort went away.  It was rather miraculously fast. Now all I have is some distention after eating.  Fever is long gone, and everything is moving right along. The improvement literally happened overnight.

I am still very tired and don’t have a lot of energy, but I am grateful to actually be feeling the genuine energy level I have, and not be suffering from withdrawal and intense swings from stopping cortico-steroids, which definitely reeked havoc on me physiologically, and subsequently mentally and emotionally.  I think that is almost finished now, and I am recovering.  I am left with a bit of an edge from the tax on my adrenals, which I really did not need, but it is understandable. I will get through it soon enough (hopefully), and hopefully without too much damage to those closest to me from the Grump Monster! Woo!

(Thanks to a Petafoo poster for the picture!)

I received my wheat grass juicer in the mail today, and will begin using it tomorrow.  It looks so old school, it is really neat! Let me see if I can find a picture of it… Here’s one from the Sprout People:

I think it will be very healing to have my hands so intensely involved in the juicing process. It will probably make the process less abstract. We’ll see how I feel about it when the novelty wears off! *smirk*

I also got my rebounder, which I will also try to start using tomorrow as well, lightly.  I read in the pamphlet for it that it raises white blood cells to flush the lymphatic system, and I am not sure how that would interact with the autoimmuneaspect of Crohn’s, so I want to be careful and gentle with myself.  But I know that exercise is absolutely paramount to health, and I know that it’s necessary for me to feel balanced and emotionally well, so I don’t want to put it off too long, especially since I am consuming more food now.  I am really hoping to get some energy to work with soon, too.  But I need to take it slow here, because I still feel kind of fragile.

I do plan to get to a place of eating 100% raw, and using the Low-Glycemic approach as outlined by Gabriel Cousens M.D. in Rainbow Green Live Food Cuisine.  I would also like to follow the Phase 1 diet for treatment of Mycosis (as defined by Cousens), to restore biological terrain.  This is especially important because I am fairly certain that I agree with the entire informational section of the book, which outlines Pleomorphic Theoryversus Germ Theory in holistic healing. 

The basis of this theory is that the source of disease is not germs themselves, but rather the conditions which invite or host the germs, (i.e. the terrain).  When the terrain is imbalanced or disturbed, healthy organisms turn into destructive ones, which is there job.  Essentially, they begin to recycle material, leading to the composing of tissues, which is great when you’re dead.  But while living, this is not exactly ideal (to say the least).  This means the goal to restore the conditions, and thereby remove the possibility for the destructive organisms to survive, and promote the flourishing of healthy organisms.  The book goes into greater detail on this, as even further detail is available in Conscious Eating(thank you, Google, for awesome book previews!), which should arrive in the mail tomorrow.

I’ve actually been following this stuff for a while, and it resonates with me on many levels, so I figure that as long as I am getting proper nutrition, it can’t hurt to give it a shot.  But I will tell you this, it is HARD!  I tried just a couple of days of going without sweet of any kind, even from fruit, and outside of fasting on green juices, it was impossible for me.  (Also, fasting on green juices was so intense, that I will absolutely have to write about it later.  I’m making a list of things I need to write about, since I keep saying I will write about things later.) I really need to be praying for willpower right now, because I *really* want to accomplish this. I believe this could very well be key for the attainment of optimal health.

I went to an alternative medicine clinicon Monday, and I am not sure what to make of it all.  The holistic doctor there said that I appear to have a systemic Candida infection, which is causing all or most of the expressions of ill health I currently grapple with, from “Leaky Gut Syndrome” contributing to Crohn’s, to Adrenal Exhaustion, to Endocrine Imbalance regarding my reproductive system, to ADD and cognitive/emotional disturbances. 

On one hand, this makes sense, especially from a holistic point of view.  On the other hand, possibly from a competing perspective, it could be far fetched.  I don’t rightly know anymore.  I feel a little lost swimming in a plethora of information and possibility.  But, if I do have Candida, (which I have also had verified a while ago via Dark Field Microscopy, which Dr. Cousens supports, but which some medical experts invalidate), it should be addressed by the Rainbow Green Phase 1 diet.  Of course, with an infection of this apparent severity, further support may be needed, and the clinic I went to offers a comprehensive program.  I am looking into it.  I will report what I discover and decide.

Another aspect I would like to work towards is not eating at night.  The importance of eating only in the daytime is stressed in so many cultures and healing modalities that it is difficult to track.  Most recently, Paul Nison is releasing a book and program called The Daylight Diet, where he apparently gives plenty of information and sources to support the importance of this vastly overlooked aspect of health and lifestyle. I already know it though, so I don’t really need to be reminded as much as I need the discipline to implement it. 

Firstly, I need to get to sleep earlier so that I can rise earlier, and get all the nutrients I need while the sun is up.  Otherwise, I wake up in a deficit that takes me long into the evening to fulfill.  And with blood-sugar problems on top of it, it becomes a huge grappling endeavor.  So this is definitely on the list of things to address.  I’m supposed to sleep by 11 anyway to help heal my adrenals.  So timing becomes doubly important.

Essentially, I want and need to be gentle with myself.  I have already tried taking on too much too soon and failed miserably.  I’ve done this several times over the past couple of years, two steps forward and one step back, and sometimes two steps back for a while until I get it together enough to go one step forward instead.  So that’s the goal this time, one step at a time.  I think this is absolutely vital to ensure my success.  And I know I will succeed if I am paying attention.

I am paying attention.

Day 4, and The Food Choice

Today is day four of my process of Healing Inflammatory Bowel Disease, as outlined by Paul Nison in his book on the subject.  I was incredibly blessed to receive feedback on my last post about this, from the author himself, inviting me to call and seek some guidance.  I did just that, and I feel so re-assured and relieved by the phone call.  I got a few questions answered, and was told that I am pretty much on the right track.  This is welcome input, as I have spent several years doing my own research, and working to restore my health by myself.  But sometimes it can be easy to get lost in a world of information and thought in one’s own head, especially when one is figuring things out largely on one’s own.  After speaking with Paul, I now feel more certainty that I am doing the right thing by focusing on this healing program, and I have since discontinued looking beyond the present moment in terms of what I will be following up with for the rest of my life, which is a very big task, indeed.

Yesterday was such a challenging day (as I wrote about), that I ended up feeling overwhelmed all the way until I went to sleep.  I was reading Self Healing: Colitis & Crohn’sby David Klein Ph.D all day, as well as the previous night, and I think I really overloaded myself. I did not realize the burden I was taking on by trying to imagine a complete overhaul in my lifestyle, while currently undergoing a very intense cleansing and detoxification process.  I think I was feeling a lot of conflict, as the book is based on the Natural Hygiene approach to raw foodism. The Natural Hygiene lifestyle has been and still is largely debated, especially within the raw food world, and does not necessarily align with me personally.    I agree with some of the concepts whole-heartedly, but once we actually get to food choices, it starts to get fuzzy for me.

The major difference in beliefs amongst the raw food pioneers, has been whether or not a person should eat a diet consisting of mainly fruit, or a low-glycemic diet including larger quantities of non-sweet fruits and vegetables. 

Essentially, Natural Hygienists believe that humans are originally frugivores, and that the main staple of health is eating mainly fruit, with the rest of the diet being very low in fat, which is considered non-optimal for human functioning.  Many foods are considered inappropriate for human consumption, and the emphasis on the philosophy is usually very strong.  Natural Hygiene espouses that if the physical conditions are returned to their original designation, (which is a high fruit, raw, vegan diet with adequate rest, exercise, and other lifestyle optimizations), then the biological terrainwill automatically correct, thus reversing disease. Natural Hygienists believe that medical intervention, with herbs or synthetics, is not only unnecessary to treat illness, but harmful rather than beneficial to the recovery process.

The Low Glycemic Raw Food approach differs in that it suggests that a diet high in non-sweet fruits and vegetables, sprouts, nuts, and seeds will correct the internal environment of the individual. Dr. Gabriel Cousens is the leading Medical Doctor and nutritional authority in the raw food movement, who advocates this cuisine.  A few high-glycemic items are outlawed in this approach, such as tropical fruits and some fermented foods, as they are said to disrupt the internal microbial balance in the human body.  The purpose of this diet is to balance the micro-organisms in the body, to effectively “shut off the compost button”, and restore the vitality that is the birth-rite of human beings.  This philosophy does not exclude the use of other natural, wholistic methods of healing when deemed necessary.

Both of these philosophies give testimony to the eventual experience of greater happiness, emotional balance, healthy weight, vital health, and even a deeper spiritual experience of life.  And both tout the ability to heal chronic and degenerative disease.  I have personally experienced benefits eating a high raw diet for several months at a time, many of which are reported by people who adopt this lifestyle, in one form or another. 

For me, I have been focusing largely on the low-glycemic approach to my diet for a few years now, because of the hypoglycemic aspect of my health situation.  Recently, the diagnosis of Adrenal Fatigue has led me to avoid certain foods that exacerbate that illness, some of which happen to align with the foods to avoid according to the Low Glycemic approach to raw foodism.  I have also come to understand the importance of caloric restriction, in terms of how not over-eating effects longevity and disease recovery for the better. 

Now, to be honest, I know a large part of the flare-up I am experiencing has to do with having swayed drastically from some of the dietary practices I have held for years.  For instance, under an increased level of stress, combined with certain financial limitations, I ended up consuming wheat again.  Wheat is considered in the majority of the raw food movement to be one of the most harmful substances to humans on the planet, and I am allergic to it.  For people with Crohn’s Disease or Ulcerative Colitis, it is absolutely catastrophic.  I guess that time kind of got away from me, and I forgot how strong this link actually was for me.  And since I was in remission so long, I thought I was further along in my detoxification and healing process than I actually was. 

However, prior to the recent phase of “falling off the wagon” nutritionally, I was eating a high raw diet of at least 80% raw, mostly low-glycemic foods.  I did very well this way.  I have actually tried eating a mostly frutarian diet in the past, and I found that it was very difficult for me.  I found that I had to eat constantly, and that I struggled with spikes and drops in energy and mood.  Some raw food experts will say that is a common detoxification symptom on any raw regime, and that people give up too easily.  This very well may be the case, but everything I have learned about Hypoglycemia thus far tells me that simple sugar is not a good idea, and that the sugars in fruit are no different, and that vacillations in energy and mood can be attributed to the glycemic index of the food eaten by the individual. 

It is really hard to know what is what sometimes in the world of natural healing.  I am not going to say that the frutarian approach is impossible or incorrect.  Heck, I can even see how the idea of Hypoglycemia could very well be founded in a paradigm which Natural Hygiene is trying to dispel, and that could be totally right.  But what I do know is that the idea of overhauling everything and completely changing AGAIN, after I have already worked so hard to get where I am,  feels flat-out overwhelming.  In addition, I have organically gravitated to the Low Glycemic approach, and have found that it is usually a good idea to trust my intuition.  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes my intuition leads me to things slowly, taking one step at a time that might seem in the moment to be opposing to other ideas, but it turns out to be just one phase on the path.  This is to say that I really don’t feel comfortable right now saying what is right or wrong. 

What I can say is that last night, I was more stressed than is good for me about food, and that I know for sure, based on every approach to health ever advocated, that stress is not going to help me heal.  I think it was way over the top for me to try to be considering choices that will be implemented from now until forever, and that I really need to take this one step or phase at a time.  I have already had major emotional battles with food, and I recognize that now is not a good time to embark on one.  As much as I want to heal quickly, I really do need to be gentle with myself.  So today, I decided to discontinue the reading of David Klein’s book for the time being, and just focus on Paul Nison’s program, which actually seems to be working for me.

In terms of how I am doing on the program, my symptoms are definitely subsiding.  The fever that I detected yesterday seems to be gone, as are the pains, which are now reduced to simply some abdominal discomfort.  My bowels actually seem to be un-freezing a little as well, which is a relief (my experience of Crohn’s Disease usually involves some intestinal paralysis rather than the overactivity that most people experience).  I do have a little more energy and mental clarity than the previous days, though I am still very tired.  If I check in with my body, I feel like I shift between really tired, and really altert. 

I actually managed to get to sleep last night a bit sooner than the previous night, and the anxiety isn’t as bad, though it is still present.  I was startled awake today, and thus experienced a panic that I am not sure would have been there otherwise.  I know I am still not getting the amount of rest that is recommended for me at this time, and I am really wishing that I could.  I am not sure if this is due to coming off of Prednisone, or if this is related to the Adrenal Exhaustion, or both. In any case, I sure hope I can get more rest somehow. 

Tomorrow is day five, which is the last day suggested before moving on to Phase two of the healing program, provided that one’s progress has been sufficient, and that one can tolerate the next phase.  I will assess how I am doing at the end of the day and decide whether I think it’s time to progress to the next phase or not.  Every day seems to be a little better, so we will see what tomorrow brings.

Healing Program: Day 2

Today is my second day in the healing protocol as outlined by Paul Nison in his book, “Healing Inflammatory Bowel Disease”.  I have been juicing spinach, celery, cucumber, kale, parsley, and lemon.   The parsley and lemon are additions of my choosing, because they both soften the bitter taste of dark leafy greens.  I happen to enjoy green juice, so these little touches to increase pallet-ability go a long way for me. 

I am alternating my dark leafy greens daily, to keep things interesting, and to offset the accumulation of alkaloids, which are high in dark leafy greens, and can cause problems for us in high quantities over time.  This is easily addressed by making sure to keep a variety of veggies and greens in our cuisine, which is also conveniently considered more healthful than eating the same things all the time, so that one may receive a rich variety of phytonutrients.  I probably do not need to worry about this at all right now, given the short nature of this juice fast (Paul suggests 5 days to one week).  But I figured it can’t hurt to keep up with my habit which was securely obtained by reading Green For Life, by Victoria Boutenko, wherein she describes the importance of greens in the human diet, the purpose of plant alkaloids, and the necessity for rotating greens.

I am surprised to say that I am feeling very fulfilled by the juices, and can not actually drink more than about an 8 ounce glass at a time.  This is very interesting in combination with the fact that I am definitely thinking about food.  I am pretty sure I’ve experienced some hunger as well, but I think my body knows that it needs to do this right now, so I am not finding it difficult (although the raspberries in the fridge have certainly caught my eye a time or three *wink*).  I think the fact that I am staying down most of the time is helpful, since I am not using up as much energy, and therefore am not in as high of a caloric debt.  One thing I know about fasting, is that it takes about three days for the digestive system to really reach a state of rest, so I will probably experience some hunger for another day or so.

I am also taking Cell Food, which is a liquid compilation of colloidal minerals, amino acids, and enzymes, considered very high in oxygen enhancing materials, and has many health promoting effects such as balancing internal micro-organisms.  I add the drops to my juices about 3 times a day.  I’ve never taken this stuff before, and I don’t know that much about it.  Just reading the profile of ingredients is very reassuring, however, so I’m thinking that it can only be beneficial. I will do a little more research, but to be honest, I really just want to do what the program outlines, because it obviously worked for this person, and has worked for others, and I just… well basicallically I want it to work.  *smiles*  I figure as long as it seems logical and is backed with some science, and if it already comes from sources I trust, I’ll give it a shot.

I’m still waiting on the other supplements to arrive, as well as the wheat grass juicer.  I wish I had known before I placed my order that Paul’s website offers E3 live with free second day shipping, because then I would have it by today, and I would have spared a few bucks.  But, I know now for future reference.  I think at the time of purchase, it was less complicated to just order everything from one place, which is the nice thing about TheRawFoodWorld.com (a sort of a one stop shop for many of my needs).

I’m slowly coming off of the pharmaceuticals that were prescribed for me in the hospital, as the doctor said I could begin to do that once I was discharged.  It feels like the right thing too, as I find it rather odd to be taking drugs while doing a raw, fresh juice fast!  These were not drugs prescribed for treating more than the acute flare-up either, so I am not too worried about any dangers here.  I have been otherwise drug free for several years, besides.  I am being careful and responsible about it as well.  And I am paying very close attention to what my body tells me (which I believe to be a vastly under-rated and under-developed skill in our culture).  

Mostly I am just so very tired.  I feel fine about the idea of spending a lot of time in bed, and I think some writing and reading are not activities too intense for me to periodically amuse myself with.  But for now, my eyes are beckoning me to close them.

And the Program Begins

The juicer arrived yesterday, and I ordered a hand crank wheat grass juicer that will be here in a few days.  I have the best juicer on the market for the money, but it takes way too much time and effort for how I am feeling right now, so I went with this for the time being. The key point I have learned is to get a quality product, and one you will use.

I also received and read “Healing Inflammatory Bowel Disease” by Paul Nison.  This book includes a program to actually heal an active flare-up of Crohn’s or UlcerativeColitis.  The interesting thing is, that as I was reading this book, I recognized several suggestions that I had felt drawn to on my own, earlier in the year, and it got me wondering if I had listened to my bodily cues sooner, maybe I would not be in this mess.  On the other hand, if not for this experience, I would not be writing about it now, and who knows, maybe this is part of the healing.

So, the deal is that for the first phase of the program, I go on a green juice fast for a week, which focuses primarily on dark leafy green vegetables.  During this week, I will be taking just a few extra liquids and whole food supplements, which should arrive in the mail with the wheat grass juicer.  The supplements I will be taking are:

1. E3 Live, which is Klamath Lake Blue Green Algae liquid that is supposed to be the best in the world because it is super high in chlorophyll and other good, healthy things.

2. Wheatgrass which everyone knows is super magical in healing properties, and also high in chlorophyll, and also so detoxifying that I have never had it without feeling sick to my stomach, so this should be fun. *smiles*

3. Especially high medicinal quality Probiotics to rebuild the heck out of my gut flora, and therapeutic enzymes to give plenty of help to metabolic processes, such as repairing damage done to my tender body. *pets self*

4. Something called Cell Food which is a colloidal mineral, amino acid, and enzyme concentrate that will apparently increase the amount of oxygen in my body, or something of that effect which shall prove health promoting and very useful, etc.  

I am supposed to rest mostly while I do this. No work, exercise, or stress.  Just stay in bed the whole time.  It’s quite amusing, actually, it’s mentioned several times in the book.  I get it. ’A great deal of healing takes place during sleep.’  It’s just funny that there are two whole paragraphs on it, which end in the words “Stay in bed!”.   He even says to do it with the eyes closed.  Ok ok.  I will do my best, but I admit that I’ve got two or three books lined up waiting for my open eyes!  But seriously, I understand how important this is, so I’m really going to try. (Of course I’ve spent most of the first day of the fast updating this blog so I would be current and up to date, but who’s looking?) *wink*  He says it will get harder the longer I am on the cleanse, because I will end up with more energy later on.  At that point, I am permitted to listen to soft music and take short walks in the sun.  Wee!

At least the books I have lined up are all super good for me.  One is called “Self Healing Colitis and Crohn’s, Expanded Second Edition” by David Kelin, Ph.D, which looks to be really organized and well written.  I imagine that I know much of what is included in the skeleton of the book, but I’m looking forward to any new findings and interesting things to fill in spaces in my understanding.  And as I’ve mentioned in a prior post, I think it’s really important to adopt healing modalities that match your own consciousness, so you can believe in what you are doing. So I think this will be a good book for me.

The other book I want to take on is “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay.  I even got the gift addition because it has pretty, brightly colored images throughout, which I find delightful, especially when ailing. She healed herself of cancer by changing her thoughts, so I figure she might have something to teach me. 

And the third is a joyful little guilty pleasure.  It is a prequel to a science fiction series that I really like.  I haven’t read for fun in a really long time, so I figure this will be good for balance.  This one is called “First Meetings” by Orson Scott Card. *giggle* I read the first of these books, called “Ender’s Game”, when I was a kid. I loved it, and it’s companion novel, “Ender’s Shadow”. Who doesn’t love a wonderfully written story about genius kids doing battle in space to save the world? And the one I’ve got lined up now is in short story format, so maybe Mr. Nison won’t mind if my eyes are open in short story bursts now and then. *wink*

I realize I had a lot of intellectual energy for things the last few days, and that if I was in the middle of the crisis part of the flare up, I would not have. But I went through that portion in the hospital, and the terribly painful days prior to admission.  I am currently on pharmaceuticals for this for the first time in years, and I’m sure that it has brought the inflammation down so that I am not experiencing horrible pain and fevers such as I was (I was actually cooking at 104 degrees at one point).  If I was still experiencing that, nothing that I have written so far would exist.

So looking on the bright side, I guess some good will come out of having done things this way, as I will get to be more alert and aware of the process, and will have something tangible to look back on.  Although I must say, I am looking forward to having alternative methods of handling flare-ups in the future, if any should occur, for as long as they need to express before I am fully healed.

And alas, now at the end of the day, I think the cleanse is catching up with me, and I am feeling a great need to rest.  Maybe all the sleep won’t be so hard after all.

Candlelight Burning, Part III

I tried many things over the years. I think trial and error is sometimes necessary for some of us who need to find the right thing we can stick with. The bulk of the repair I ended up doing has been through nutrition and digestive support, with some whole food supplementation when needed. This has brought me quite the distance I have come physically to date. And I am glad to say that I now have the guidance of a Naturopathic Doctor so that I am not navigating alone. This provides for less “let’s see what happens if”, and allows for quicker application. Though I would not have traded all of the experiences up to this point for anything. I am a very well informed and experienced patient, and consumer these days.

Nutritionally speaking, I eventually I landed in the world of raw foods. It happened once when I was sick again, and bed-ridden, with nothing better to do than read. One of my roommates at the time had a library of books on raw veganism. I read a book called “Raw Family”by the Boutenko Family, as well as four other books by other authors, all within a couple of days, and decided to go on a 100% raw food diet right away. I even went so far as to give away all my cooked food. I was convinced whole-heartedly that this was the missing piece that was keeping me from experiencing awesome health.

What I could not have forseen coming, was a huge emotional battle with food that would last nearly two years. Every single issue I have with food came up over that period of time. I knew without a doubt that raw foods could heal me, just by the fact that it has now been proven that an 80% raw food diet shuts down the inflammatory process (see the film “Food Matters” here for less than five bucks). And there are people curing cancer with vast quantities of fresh vegetable juice! I even know a couple. But I still just could not seem to break my addictions. Back and forth I would go. Doing really well while eating raw, then eating cooked and feeling worse, and even falling back into eating things that I knew were not good for me in times of stress.

I began to realize, that like many Americans, I had an unhealthy relationship with food. Increasing stress was not helping, and financial fluctuations influenced my diet more than was good for me as well. I had no support from anyone else trying to do what I was doing, which was even considered by some of my friends to be a “crazy move”. My life had become somewhat nomadic after I became well enough to do some self discovery, but I did not see the stress that was accumulating still. And I was still struggling with my health, not really out of the water yet.

I started work on the emotional issues at the core of food trouble, realizing that I had a lot of healing to do there. It amazes me that we can create such incredibly strong life patterns all from old pain. I know that I do not want to live a life that is unconcsiously running out of old painful stories, and sometimes it is necessary to really get to the nitty gritty in order to free ourselves of these things. So I’ve been hanging out there, slowly unraveling and trying to be as gentle with myself as possible. (This is a big story of it’s own, but for the sake of context already built, I will save it for later).

Eventually my studies were bordering on obsession, but it was a comfort to me. It was something I could depend on when I wasn’t feeling well, or when I just couldn’t quite pull myself together. And they brought me to another important revelation. I learned that I really had not completed the cleansing process necessary for the model of healing I have chosen. My toxic load was still too big for me to just carry on like I was perfectly healthy. The detoxification process is probably one of the most misunderstood aspects of healing disease today, and I definitely fell into the haze. I had overlooked several components that would actually complete the regime and bring me the results I wanted.

One of the big concepts discussed in the world of raw food nutrition and detoxing is Auto-intoxication. When a person starts eating cleaner foods, toxins are raised in the body at a rate depending on how much clean food they are eating. If a person does not flush these toxins out of the body as fast as they come up, they re-absorb back into the blood, and thus you are still carrying around those toxins. Kind of defeats the purpose of detoxing, don’t you think? nutritionist Natalia Rose discusses this topic at length in her book The Raw Food Detox Diet, as does health pioneer Matt Monarch in Raw Success, and several other authors and experts.

So it occurred to me that the more raw, cleansing food I ate, the more I needed to take measures to be sure that toxins get flushed. In other words, COLON CARE! Yes, that’s right folks. I realized that my bowels do not work efficiently enough to toss the junk I raised, and this was largely responsible for my plato. Unfortunately, I was not in a financial state to be able to attend to that, so I adjusted by only eating a partially cleansing diet. This works well for a lot of people who don’t want to experience and intense detox, or who don’t have space in their life for that, for instance.

But the one thing that I was forgetting was that I was not healthy yet. The truth is, I was locked in a place where I could really not afford to do anything part way. I knew intuitively that I needed to be eating a 100% cleansing raw food diet if I wanted to heal completely. I knew that I needed the appropriate colon care and digestive support to facilitate this process. But low and behold, I had gotten myself into a life situation where I was financially stuck. And I wasn’t actively sick, but I didn’t feel well yet. And little by little, over time, especially over the past year, I started having digestive problems again.

And then…

A combination of intense life factors all occurred at once. Moving a couple of times in a row, family crisis, conflict at home, financial problems, adrenal exhaustion, and some really bad food choices all caught up with me. And thus, we are here, at the present state of affairs.

To be clear, I do not see this as a relapse per se.  I see this as a healing crisis which needs my attention.  A minor regression, if you will, which simply provides me with an opportunity to clean this mess up for good.  And I fully intend on doing just that.