Candlelight Burning, Part IV

The journey into health has not been constrained to the world of the material. At risk of losing credibility, I am still going to go ahead and say that I am one of those people who, in the midst of life threatening, life changing circumstances, had a spiritual awakening. I think it must be part of getting out of whatever the rut is. I mean, at least being able to open your eyes and say “wow” to the world around us. But I’ll skirt the pulpit for now and stay relevant…

I have done intense spiritual work since my eyes started opening. There was actually even a time when my physical symptoms were relatively mild, and I jumped at the chance when I felt free enough to travel the world, so I took a pilgrimage to India, which was something I had felt a deep longing to do. I have suffered from wanderlust for a lot of my life, so this was exciting.

The trip was the November before last, and it was life changing. I am so grateful I did it for a couple of different reasons. One is that it felt good to be able to drop everything and go to the other side of the world. I mean, how many times does a regular person get to do that? It felt so wonderful to experience something so far out of my ability to perceive of it, and it gave me a great deal of perspective in the micro and macrocosm. It is safe to say that it tweaked my world view a bit, which is always good in my book.

The other reason I am grateful I took the trip requires a little more explaining. Let us say that in this case, I am using India to represent a process that began before I made it there, and that continues to this day. Let us say, for the sake of the story, that India symbolizes connection to something greater than the self to me. As I have come to understand it, regardless of what a person’s beliefs are (because I really don’t care, as dogma is not my field), connectedness to something greater than the self is extremely important in the process of healing. I’m not even talking about a “higher power” necessarily. Even if it means you believe that you are a part of the greater kingdom of life as a whole. Chances are if you believe that, you feel a place in it, and maybe even responsible to it or for it to some degree. This places you in connectedness with “more”. That is the ticket I’m talking about. It doesn’t matter what it looks like.  Maybe I use the term spirituality loosely compared to others. I’m not telling anyone what to believe, just that it’s helpful to believe in something.  (I’m a fairly intelligent person, but I’m not going to begin to justify why this is a great deal more than simple convenience for human thought. There are plenty of people who have done a much better job of that already.)

My healing process lead down several paths of excavations of an emotional nature, through different healing arts coursework and what I have occasionally referred to as Emotional Archaeology. Basically, my philosophy on existence at this point includes a belief that under the material manifestations of the world, there lies intent. What this means in terms of disease, is that the cause of disease is not seen by me to be merely biological. I view the self as whole. I observe causalities within. For me, this means that I will often go hunting for the emotional and thought patterns that I suspect could be holding an actual physical pattern (as experienced) in my life. It really works for me. There really is not a lot of mystery as to why things happen. The more I learn and awaken, the clearer I can holistically see the contributing factors to my circumstances, of which I am creating. This is not a popular world view, because it requires a great deal of personal responsibility. But I’m good with that. I like knowing I am powerful. And I’ve spent a lot of time deciding what that means to me, and what it looks like in a life I can feel good about leading.

There have been a vast array of beautiful discoveries, and many special treasures of a more delicate nature, all collecting within me over time. Through unraveling and unpeeling and unending bravery, I do believe I have come so close to the core of the issue. I am aware of the emotional roots (woundedness, etc), as well as several of the thought patterns which support the reality I am currently experiencing. So while I do a lot to support myself physically, I do not forget to address the rest. I still have a lot of work to do, too. And now it’s just a matter of figuring out that alignment that will allow every facet to correct without a constant juggling or running about. I need a stillness to work within now.

The challenge has been that I have yet to have landed in the center of what I know long enough to have all the pieces in place and usable. I guess we can call this integration. I need to integrate. I need to be the magician, wielding the magic I have come to behold. It is time to figure out where to set up camp, and start living it, warmly. It is time to come full circle. I know the next key to turn. My body needs me, and so does my heart. I am learning about right love. Whole love. Embracing and giving love. Being love. I am learning the nature of my wholeness. I have had so many dark nights of the soul. It is time to shed the darkness that has come after so much illumination, and finally reside in the light. I am close. There is a great healing at hand.

Love and Abundance

Last night, a sweet one made a clear gift that moved me to tears. He has informed me that he is going to share his financial resources with me in however much is needed to “throw at this problem” (current health challenge). He is blessed to be able to do so, and says it is unfair to be enjoying all the wonders of me who is merely languishing. I do understand this, and he was right to call me out to tell me I’d do the same were the situation reversed. And I wept. I know he understands what this does for me. This means I have the means to really try and fix this, not just juggle and hope as I have done for so long.  This means I have help.

Lesson One: It is not noble to do things alone for the sake of it. We need each other.

I thought for a long time that I was some kind of warrior, taking on the pangs of isolation for the greater good, a consolation for the singularity that was myself. I learned to take things on by myself, without asking for help. It wasn’t even ego at first. It was simply carried over from the way I grew up. Help was either not there in the first place, or my primary examples did the very same thing, resisting help, and doing it all themselves. Eventually when it came time for me to learn things I would have learned by helping, I had to figure it out on my own too. And I just never really got into the swing of seeing help in the first place, until much later. Kind of like the example they use in the film “What The Bleep Do We Know”. The Tribes People could not actually perceive the ships coming in from the sea, because they’d never seen a ship before.

Maybe down the line, this renunciation of assistance from others made me feel powerful, because I got the idea early that it was some sort of consolation that the lack of help was in my control (ha ha). This is an illusion, folks. I repeat: We need each other. No man is an island. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world, and all that fuzz. It’s very much true.

So I had to get into the practice of saying yes, accepting help, all that incredibly easy stuff (ha!). I’ve been doing a decent job for a few years now, getting better and better at the circle of abundance.  I’ve had some guilt about needing more than I have been able to give, because of the struggles with my health and all. But I’ve also had to learn that it isn’t a checks and balances system. It does not even have to be direct exchange. And, even cooler, there is no obligation! And the flow of giving and receiving is not even required to be two-directional.  We all have different gifts to give at different times to different people in various circumstances.  The point is just to give, period. 

I do share this impetus with many.  And I have been lucky enough to have feedback from some trusted sources who say that I do indeed bring light into people’s lives. The very fact that it is so important to me to do this should be an indicator that all is well. (But we introspective types get stuck in our own heads sometimes. And conscience is sometimes the only salvation to bring us back out again.) But one must be careful that this doesn’t become founded in guilt either.  We don’t give so we will have permission to receive.  Those who give from the heart know the gift is in the giving.  It isn’t a trade.  Therein lies the vulnerability, and the call for courage to truly receive.  

I think once we realize our abundance, it really can be a state of circulation, like breathing in and breathing out.  Abundance can be anything too, be it financial, experiencial, emotional.  Love, money, affection, friendship, anything that feeds you and by which you can feed others.  I am still learning about this incredible way of being, taking it one step at a time on the road to yes.

So I said yes to this gift.  And today he has had to remind me again, even as some money was transferred, and some tears were shed, as some gifts are still hard to take. I guess it just reminds us of where we still need to let the love in. I know for me, I just need to remember I am worthy. I am worthy of abundance, and I am worthy of all the love I can possibly receive. And this one, he is a healer of the loving kind.

I’ve heard people talk about relationships being vital. I’m starting to entertain the possibility for myself. We learn so much about ourselves through relationship that we never would alone. The reverse is also true, and I’ve seen it. Some people are really cut out to be monks, and it’s beautiful. But as alone as I’ve felt in my life, and as often as I’ve tried to hold it as some sort of spiritual code as trade for the impending life of spinsterhood and cats before me, I seem to believe that some people really do their greatest work in relationship. I think, dare I say, hope, I might even be one of them.

I think I am very close to relinquishing my claim to being a half-monk, torn between the worldly world of action and purpose, and the world of the soul within communing with god or nature or whatever you want to call it (for yourself, if anything). It was a true split for me for a while, and I had some valid spiritual reasons for considering real renunciation several times over the past few years. But, I don’t think I’d be given these opportunities to reach out and give and receive, and cultivate deep, authentic connection with others, providing seguay into any even higher good, these chances that rely wholly on these interactions, if I was headed for monk-hood. I think I may very well be willing to let the wounds that thinking was based in go ahead and heal, and see what happens next.