Love and Abundance

Last night, a sweet one made a clear gift that moved me to tears. He has informed me that he is going to share his financial resources with me in however much is needed to “throw at this problem” (current health challenge). He is blessed to be able to do so, and says it is unfair to be enjoying all the wonders of me who is merely languishing. I do understand this, and he was right to call me out to tell me I’d do the same were the situation reversed. And I wept. I know he understands what this does for me. This means I have the means to really try and fix this, not just juggle and hope as I have done for so long.  This means I have help.

Lesson One: It is not noble to do things alone for the sake of it. We need each other.

I thought for a long time that I was some kind of warrior, taking on the pangs of isolation for the greater good, a consolation for the singularity that was myself. I learned to take things on by myself, without asking for help. It wasn’t even ego at first. It was simply carried over from the way I grew up. Help was either not there in the first place, or my primary examples did the very same thing, resisting help, and doing it all themselves. Eventually when it came time for me to learn things I would have learned by helping, I had to figure it out on my own too. And I just never really got into the swing of seeing help in the first place, until much later. Kind of like the example they use in the film “What The Bleep Do We Know”. The Tribes People could not actually perceive the ships coming in from the sea, because they’d never seen a ship before.

Maybe down the line, this renunciation of assistance from others made me feel powerful, because I got the idea early that it was some sort of consolation that the lack of help was in my control (ha ha). This is an illusion, folks. I repeat: We need each other. No man is an island. People who need people are the luckiest people in the world, and all that fuzz. It’s very much true.

So I had to get into the practice of saying yes, accepting help, all that incredibly easy stuff (ha!). I’ve been doing a decent job for a few years now, getting better and better at the circle of abundance.  I’ve had some guilt about needing more than I have been able to give, because of the struggles with my health and all. But I’ve also had to learn that it isn’t a checks and balances system. It does not even have to be direct exchange. And, even cooler, there is no obligation! And the flow of giving and receiving is not even required to be two-directional.  We all have different gifts to give at different times to different people in various circumstances.  The point is just to give, period. 

I do share this impetus with many.  And I have been lucky enough to have feedback from some trusted sources who say that I do indeed bring light into people’s lives. The very fact that it is so important to me to do this should be an indicator that all is well. (But we introspective types get stuck in our own heads sometimes. And conscience is sometimes the only salvation to bring us back out again.) But one must be careful that this doesn’t become founded in guilt either.  We don’t give so we will have permission to receive.  Those who give from the heart know the gift is in the giving.  It isn’t a trade.  Therein lies the vulnerability, and the call for courage to truly receive.  

I think once we realize our abundance, it really can be a state of circulation, like breathing in and breathing out.  Abundance can be anything too, be it financial, experiencial, emotional.  Love, money, affection, friendship, anything that feeds you and by which you can feed others.  I am still learning about this incredible way of being, taking it one step at a time on the road to yes.

So I said yes to this gift.  And today he has had to remind me again, even as some money was transferred, and some tears were shed, as some gifts are still hard to take. I guess it just reminds us of where we still need to let the love in. I know for me, I just need to remember I am worthy. I am worthy of abundance, and I am worthy of all the love I can possibly receive. And this one, he is a healer of the loving kind.

I’ve heard people talk about relationships being vital. I’m starting to entertain the possibility for myself. We learn so much about ourselves through relationship that we never would alone. The reverse is also true, and I’ve seen it. Some people are really cut out to be monks, and it’s beautiful. But as alone as I’ve felt in my life, and as often as I’ve tried to hold it as some sort of spiritual code as trade for the impending life of spinsterhood and cats before me, I seem to believe that some people really do their greatest work in relationship. I think, dare I say, hope, I might even be one of them.

I think I am very close to relinquishing my claim to being a half-monk, torn between the worldly world of action and purpose, and the world of the soul within communing with god or nature or whatever you want to call it (for yourself, if anything). It was a true split for me for a while, and I had some valid spiritual reasons for considering real renunciation several times over the past few years. But, I don’t think I’d be given these opportunities to reach out and give and receive, and cultivate deep, authentic connection with others, providing seguay into any even higher good, these chances that rely wholly on these interactions, if I was headed for monk-hood. I think I may very well be willing to let the wounds that thinking was based in go ahead and heal, and see what happens next.