Reality Check

I watched this trailer today.  I am going to be purchasing this film, and I am going to watch it, and then I am most likely going to share it.   From a mere eight minutes of my life spent viewing this, I am inspired, riveted, and charged to look myself in the mirror.

The fact is that I faced my own mortality 5 years ago.  Actually, five years ago today I was in the hospital, where I would visit for spans of weeks over the next year or so of my life, with the threat of death looming.  But it wasn’t so direct.  It wasn’t Cancer (all though there were a couple of different Cancer drugs used to treat it when things were really bad).  There were no black masses growing in my organs.  Sure, my immune system was waging war on my own self tissues, interrupting vital processes, but no one would have called it terminal.  I just had a special case of doctors not knowing what else to do for me, also known as a call  letting me know it was time to wake the hell up.  It was what it needed to be. (It always is).  And I’ve been out of the dire danger zone for about 3 years now.

And here I am, still putting the pieces together.  I’m not “well” yet, but I’m not really “sick” either.  I’m in some kind of purgatory.  But you know what, I’ve been here too long.  I’ve been languishing.  I’ve made decisions that have put unnecessary stress on me because I had the wrong priorities.  I’ve been frantic, and desperate at times.  I’ve been this without being fully conscious of it, but a voice deep down inside of me has never let me rest.  More and more has been revealed in time, and it is clear I have been battling nothing but myself: the part of me that knows it is whole trying to get through to the part of me still waiting for my own love. 

The bottom line is that I’m not dying.  I have no excuse not to be thriving.  I am not trying to persecute myself, but I’ve been a victim too long, thinking that I somehow out-smarted it when I have not.  There comes a time when you just have to kick your own tush a little.  Snap out of it, girl.  The universe already warned you.  You’ve already been shown the way.  You’ve already been shown what you need to be living.  Let’s get it done already.

It might sound like I’m being hard on myself, but no one else is going to do this for me, and the fuel has to come from somewhere.  I’ve already validated the hardship enough, and defended my right to be struggling.  I’ve made a laundry list of needs, and laid my success conditionally upon their being met.  I now have what I need to make it happen, and there isn’t anywhere else to look for more.   The focus has to come from me.  It is no longer a matter of wanting to take my time and go easy on myself, because hanging out in half-way land, where I’m not totally free of the past and not embracing the future, stuck in a moment riddled with everything but right now, is really not good enough for me.  I deserve more.  We all do.

(Breathing…)

Okay.  What am I… doing? 

You know what they say, the last steps are the hardest.  It’s shaped like a pyramid. You can take huge, clumsy steps at the bottom levels of the latter, but the closer you get to the top, the more balance and precision you need.  I have the answers, I just have to apply them, moving with grace. 

So how do I go about being kind to myself, while also putting a fire under my own back side?  The thing is, I hate to say it, but it’s easier to work it out when your life is on the line.  I mean, what else is there to do?  When death is an imminent threat, you give the cure all you got.  For those who aren’t ready to go yet, what other choice do you have?  You pull things from God-knows-where, out of the ethers, to make it happen.  You become a warrior, wielding your Self.  But how do you become a sorceress? A wizard?  How do you master it?

Practice.  Discipline.  Devotion.  Love.  Surrender.

(Exhaling…)

Okay.  Too long surviving.  I know what I have to do to live.  I am powerful.  I can do this.  It is time.  I am ready.

Candlelight Burning, Part IV

The journey into health has not been constrained to the world of the material. At risk of losing credibility, I am still going to go ahead and say that I am one of those people who, in the midst of life threatening, life changing circumstances, had a spiritual awakening. I think it must be part of getting out of whatever the rut is. I mean, at least being able to open your eyes and say “wow” to the world around us. But I’ll skirt the pulpit for now and stay relevant…

I have done intense spiritual work since my eyes started opening. There was actually even a time when my physical symptoms were relatively mild, and I jumped at the chance when I felt free enough to travel the world, so I took a pilgrimage to India, which was something I had felt a deep longing to do. I have suffered from wanderlust for a lot of my life, so this was exciting.

The trip was the November before last, and it was life changing. I am so grateful I did it for a couple of different reasons. One is that it felt good to be able to drop everything and go to the other side of the world. I mean, how many times does a regular person get to do that? It felt so wonderful to experience something so far out of my ability to perceive of it, and it gave me a great deal of perspective in the micro and macrocosm. It is safe to say that it tweaked my world view a bit, which is always good in my book.

The other reason I am grateful I took the trip requires a little more explaining. Let us say that in this case, I am using India to represent a process that began before I made it there, and that continues to this day. Let us say, for the sake of the story, that India symbolizes connection to something greater than the self to me. As I have come to understand it, regardless of what a person’s beliefs are (because I really don’t care, as dogma is not my field), connectedness to something greater than the self is extremely important in the process of healing. I’m not even talking about a “higher power” necessarily. Even if it means you believe that you are a part of the greater kingdom of life as a whole. Chances are if you believe that, you feel a place in it, and maybe even responsible to it or for it to some degree. This places you in connectedness with “more”. That is the ticket I’m talking about. It doesn’t matter what it looks like.  Maybe I use the term spirituality loosely compared to others. I’m not telling anyone what to believe, just that it’s helpful to believe in something.  (I’m a fairly intelligent person, but I’m not going to begin to justify why this is a great deal more than simple convenience for human thought. There are plenty of people who have done a much better job of that already.)

My healing process lead down several paths of excavations of an emotional nature, through different healing arts coursework and what I have occasionally referred to as Emotional Archaeology. Basically, my philosophy on existence at this point includes a belief that under the material manifestations of the world, there lies intent. What this means in terms of disease, is that the cause of disease is not seen by me to be merely biological. I view the self as whole. I observe causalities within. For me, this means that I will often go hunting for the emotional and thought patterns that I suspect could be holding an actual physical pattern (as experienced) in my life. It really works for me. There really is not a lot of mystery as to why things happen. The more I learn and awaken, the clearer I can holistically see the contributing factors to my circumstances, of which I am creating. This is not a popular world view, because it requires a great deal of personal responsibility. But I’m good with that. I like knowing I am powerful. And I’ve spent a lot of time deciding what that means to me, and what it looks like in a life I can feel good about leading.

There have been a vast array of beautiful discoveries, and many special treasures of a more delicate nature, all collecting within me over time. Through unraveling and unpeeling and unending bravery, I do believe I have come so close to the core of the issue. I am aware of the emotional roots (woundedness, etc), as well as several of the thought patterns which support the reality I am currently experiencing. So while I do a lot to support myself physically, I do not forget to address the rest. I still have a lot of work to do, too. And now it’s just a matter of figuring out that alignment that will allow every facet to correct without a constant juggling or running about. I need a stillness to work within now.

The challenge has been that I have yet to have landed in the center of what I know long enough to have all the pieces in place and usable. I guess we can call this integration. I need to integrate. I need to be the magician, wielding the magic I have come to behold. It is time to figure out where to set up camp, and start living it, warmly. It is time to come full circle. I know the next key to turn. My body needs me, and so does my heart. I am learning about right love. Whole love. Embracing and giving love. Being love. I am learning the nature of my wholeness. I have had so many dark nights of the soul. It is time to shed the darkness that has come after so much illumination, and finally reside in the light. I am close. There is a great healing at hand.