Tests showed that the whole last foot of my intestines is inflamed and thickened. Not good. I got released from the hospital the day before yesterday, and am starting Paul Nison’s program again tomorrow for healing inflammatory bowel disease.  This time it is imperative that I follow all of the advice, including staying 80% raw after the fasting period.  I didn’t do that last time, in fact I slipped all the way back to what I was doing that led to my first flair up in three years all over again.  In little more than two months, even.  Sheesh.  I am tempted to feel ashamed, but I know that will not help things.  

Unfortunately it is going to take me twenty days to taper myself off of Prednisone, the evil steroid monster, but I am praying I can get through it.  I’m just giving this over to God now, folks.  I can’t do this by myself anymore.

I wish I lived somewhere where people led this lifestyle successfully, where we could support each other.  It is just so hard otherwise.  But let me stop before I sound too much like a victim.  I am about ready to collapse from exhaustion already.  I don’t need negative mind sets weighing me down.  

*breathes*

I can do this.

I watched this trailer today.  I am going to be purchasing this film, and I am going to watch it, and then I am most likely going to share it.   From a mere eight minutes of my life spent viewing this, I am inspired, riveted, and charged to look myself in the mirror.

The fact is that I faced my own mortality 5 years ago.  Actually, five years ago today I was in the hospital, where I would visit for spans of weeks over the next year or so of my life, with the threat of death looming.  But it wasn’t so direct.  It wasn’t Cancer (all though there were a couple of different Cancer drugs used to treat it when things were really bad).  There were no black masses growing in my organs.  Sure, my immune system was waging war on my own self tissues, interrupting vital processes, but no one would have called it terminal.  I just had a special case of doctors not knowing what else to do for me, also known as a call  letting me know it was time to wake the hell up.  It was what it needed to be. (It always is).  And I’ve been out of the dire danger zone for about 3 years now.

And here I am, still putting the pieces together.  I’m not “well” yet, but I’m not really “sick” either.  I’m in some kind of purgatory.  But you know what, I’ve been here too long.  I’ve been languishing.  I’ve made decisions that have put unnecessary stress on me because I had the wrong priorities.  I’ve been frantic, and desperate at times.  I’ve been this without being fully conscious of it, but a voice deep down inside of me has never let me rest.  More and more has been revealed in time, and it is clear I have been battling nothing but myself: the part of me that knows it is whole trying to get through to the part of me still waiting for my own love. 

The bottom line is that I’m not dying.  I have no excuse not to be thriving.  I am not trying to persecute myself, but I’ve been a victim too long, thinking that I somehow out-smarted it when I have not.  There comes a time when you just have to kick your own tush a little.  Snap out of it, girl.  The universe already warned you.  You’ve already been shown the way.  You’ve already been shown what you need to be living.  Let’s get it done already.

It might sound like I’m being hard on myself, but no one else is going to do this for me, and the fuel has to come from somewhere.  I’ve already validated the hardship enough, and defended my right to be struggling.  I’ve made a laundry list of needs, and laid my success conditionally upon their being met.  I now have what I need to make it happen, and there isn’t anywhere else to look for more.   The focus has to come from me.  It is no longer a matter of wanting to take my time and go easy on myself, because hanging out in half-way land, where I’m not totally free of the past and not embracing the future, stuck in a moment riddled with everything but right now, is really not good enough for me.  I deserve more.  We all do.

(Breathing…)

Okay.  What am I… doing? 

You know what they say, the last steps are the hardest.  It’s shaped like a pyramid. You can take huge, clumsy steps at the bottom levels of the latter, but the closer you get to the top, the more balance and precision you need.  I have the answers, I just have to apply them, moving with grace. 

So how do I go about being kind to myself, while also putting a fire under my own back side?  The thing is, I hate to say it, but it’s easier to work it out when your life is on the line.  I mean, what else is there to do?  When death is an imminent threat, you give the cure all you got.  For those who aren’t ready to go yet, what other choice do you have?  You pull things from God-knows-where, out of the ethers, to make it happen.  You become a warrior, wielding your Self.  But how do you become a sorceress? A wizard?  How do you master it?

Practice.  Discipline.  Devotion.  Love.  Surrender.

(Exhaling…)

Okay.  Too long surviving.  I know what I have to do to live.  I am powerful.  I can do this.  It is time.  I am ready.

I successfully worked my way through Paul Nison’s Program for a flare up of Crohn’s Disease, albeit a little roughly.  That is to say that I over taxed myself at one point, which meant I needed more calories than I was getting, and I made some sub-optimal choices that were a bit jarring and painful for my digestive system. Paul even emphasises the importance of no stress and lots of rest numerous times in the book, but I got restless, and ended up overdoing it. Just one day was enough to send me into a spiral of a mess that took a while to balance out from. But I adjusted and eventually made my way to eating again. 

Since then, I have only been able to maintain a raw diet of about 80%, but it has been enough to shut off the inflammatory process.  Also, I got some of the ingredients for the program a little late, such as the medicinal quality enzymes and probiotics, but once I started them, almost all pain and discomfort went away.  It was rather miraculously fast. Now all I have is some distention after eating.  Fever is long gone, and everything is moving right along. The improvement literally happened overnight.

I am still very tired and don’t have a lot of energy, but I am grateful to actually be feeling the genuine energy level I have, and not be suffering from withdrawal and intense swings from stopping cortico-steroids, which definitely reeked havoc on me physiologically, and subsequently mentally and emotionally.  I think that is almost finished now, and I am recovering.  I am left with a bit of an edge from the tax on my adrenals, which I really did not need, but it is understandable. I will get through it soon enough (hopefully), and hopefully without too much damage to those closest to me from the Grump Monster! Woo!

(Thanks to a Petafoo poster for the picture!)

I received my wheat grass juicer in the mail today, and will begin using it tomorrow.  It looks so old school, it is really neat! Let me see if I can find a picture of it… Here’s one from the Sprout People:

I think it will be very healing to have my hands so intensely involved in the juicing process. It will probably make the process less abstract. We’ll see how I feel about it when the novelty wears off! *smirk*

I also got my rebounder, which I will also try to start using tomorrow as well, lightly.  I read in the pamphlet for it that it raises white blood cells to flush the lymphatic system, and I am not sure how that would interact with the autoimmuneaspect of Crohn’s, so I want to be careful and gentle with myself.  But I know that exercise is absolutely paramount to health, and I know that it’s necessary for me to feel balanced and emotionally well, so I don’t want to put it off too long, especially since I am consuming more food now.  I am really hoping to get some energy to work with soon, too.  But I need to take it slow here, because I still feel kind of fragile.

I do plan to get to a place of eating 100% raw, and using the Low-Glycemic approach as outlined by Gabriel Cousens M.D. in Rainbow Green Live Food Cuisine.  I would also like to follow the Phase 1 diet for treatment of Mycosis (as defined by Cousens), to restore biological terrain.  This is especially important because I am fairly certain that I agree with the entire informational section of the book, which outlines Pleomorphic Theoryversus Germ Theory in holistic healing. 

The basis of this theory is that the source of disease is not germs themselves, but rather the conditions which invite or host the germs, (i.e. the terrain).  When the terrain is imbalanced or disturbed, healthy organisms turn into destructive ones, which is there job.  Essentially, they begin to recycle material, leading to the composing of tissues, which is great when you’re dead.  But while living, this is not exactly ideal (to say the least).  This means the goal to restore the conditions, and thereby remove the possibility for the destructive organisms to survive, and promote the flourishing of healthy organisms.  The book goes into greater detail on this, as even further detail is available in Conscious Eating(thank you, Google, for awesome book previews!), which should arrive in the mail tomorrow.

I’ve actually been following this stuff for a while, and it resonates with me on many levels, so I figure that as long as I am getting proper nutrition, it can’t hurt to give it a shot.  But I will tell you this, it is HARD!  I tried just a couple of days of going without sweet of any kind, even from fruit, and outside of fasting on green juices, it was impossible for me.  (Also, fasting on green juices was so intense, that I will absolutely have to write about it later.  I’m making a list of things I need to write about, since I keep saying I will write about things later.) I really need to be praying for willpower right now, because I *really* want to accomplish this. I believe this could very well be key for the attainment of optimal health.

I went to an alternative medicine clinicon Monday, and I am not sure what to make of it all.  The holistic doctor there said that I appear to have a systemic Candida infection, which is causing all or most of the expressions of ill health I currently grapple with, from “Leaky Gut Syndrome” contributing to Crohn’s, to Adrenal Exhaustion, to Endocrine Imbalance regarding my reproductive system, to ADD and cognitive/emotional disturbances. 

On one hand, this makes sense, especially from a holistic point of view.  On the other hand, possibly from a competing perspective, it could be far fetched.  I don’t rightly know anymore.  I feel a little lost swimming in a plethora of information and possibility.  But, if I do have Candida, (which I have also had verified a while ago via Dark Field Microscopy, which Dr. Cousens supports, but which some medical experts invalidate), it should be addressed by the Rainbow Green Phase 1 diet.  Of course, with an infection of this apparent severity, further support may be needed, and the clinic I went to offers a comprehensive program.  I am looking into it.  I will report what I discover and decide.

Another aspect I would like to work towards is not eating at night.  The importance of eating only in the daytime is stressed in so many cultures and healing modalities that it is difficult to track.  Most recently, Paul Nison is releasing a book and program called The Daylight Diet, where he apparently gives plenty of information and sources to support the importance of this vastly overlooked aspect of health and lifestyle. I already know it though, so I don’t really need to be reminded as much as I need the discipline to implement it. 

Firstly, I need to get to sleep earlier so that I can rise earlier, and get all the nutrients I need while the sun is up.  Otherwise, I wake up in a deficit that takes me long into the evening to fulfill.  And with blood-sugar problems on top of it, it becomes a huge grappling endeavor.  So this is definitely on the list of things to address.  I’m supposed to sleep by 11 anyway to help heal my adrenals.  So timing becomes doubly important.

Essentially, I want and need to be gentle with myself.  I have already tried taking on too much too soon and failed miserably.  I’ve done this several times over the past couple of years, two steps forward and one step back, and sometimes two steps back for a while until I get it together enough to go one step forward instead.  So that’s the goal this time, one step at a time.  I think this is absolutely vital to ensure my success.  And I know I will succeed if I am paying attention.

I am paying attention.

Yesterday was such a challenging day (as I wrote about), that I ended up feeling overwhelmed all the way until I went to sleep.  I was reading Self Healing: Colitis & Crohn’sby David Klein Ph.D all day, as well as the previous night, and I think I really overloaded myself. I did not realize the burden I was taking on by trying to imagine a complete overhaul in my lifestyle, while currently undergoing a very intense cleansing and detoxification process.  I think I was feeling a lot of conflict, as the book is based on the Natural Hygiene approach to raw foodism. The Natural Hygiene lifestyle has been and still is largely debated, especially within the raw food world, and does not necessarily align with me personally.    I agree with some of the concepts whole-heartedly, but once we actually get to food choices, it starts to get fuzzy for me.

The major difference in beliefs amongst the raw food pioneers, has been whether or not a person should eat a diet consisting of mainly fruit, or a low-glycemic diet including larger quantities of non-sweet fruits and vegetables. 

Essentially, Natural Hygienists believe that humans are originally frugivores, and that the main staple of health is eating mainly fruit, with the rest of the diet being very low in fat, which is considered non-optimal for human functioning.  Many foods are considered inappropriate for human consumption, and the emphasis on the philosophy is usually very strong.  Natural Hygiene espouses that if the physical conditions are returned to their original designation, (which is a high fruit, raw, vegan diet with adequate rest, exercise, and other lifestyle optimizations), then the biological terrainwill automatically correct, thus reversing disease. Natural Hygienists believe that medical intervention, with herbs or synthetics, is not only unnecessary to treat illness, but harmful rather than beneficial to the recovery process.

The Low Glycemic Raw Food approach differs in that it suggests that a diet high in non-sweet fruits and vegetables, sprouts, nuts, and seeds will correct the internal environment of the individual. Dr. Gabriel Cousens is the leading Medical Doctor and nutritional authority in the raw food movement, who advocates this cuisine.  A few high-glycemic items are outlawed in this approach, such as tropical fruits and some fermented foods, as they are said to disrupt the internal microbial balance in the human body.  The purpose of this diet is to balance the micro-organisms in the body, to effectively “shut off the compost button”, and restore the vitality that is the birth-rite of human beings.  This philosophy does not exclude the use of other natural, wholistic methods of healing when deemed necessary.

Both of these philosophies give testimony to the eventual experience of greater happiness, emotional balance, healthy weight, vital health, and even a deeper spiritual experience of life.  And both tout the ability to heal chronic and degenerative disease.  I have personally experienced benefits eating a high raw diet for several months at a time, many of which are reported by people who adopt this lifestyle, in one form or another. 

For me, I have been focusing largely on the low-glycemic approach to my diet for a few years now, because of the hypoglycemic aspect of my health situation.  Recently, the diagnosis of Adrenal Fatigue has led me to avoid certain foods that exacerbate that illness, some of which happen to align with the foods to avoid according to the Low Glycemic approach to raw foodism.  I have also come to understand the importance of caloric restriction, in terms of how not over-eating effects longevity and disease recovery for the better. 

Now, to be honest, I know a large part of the flare-up I am experiencing has to do with having swayed drastically from some of the dietary practices I have held for years.  For instance, under an increased level of stress, combined with certain financial limitations, I ended up consuming wheat again.  Wheat is considered in the majority of the raw food movement to be one of the most harmful substances to humans on the planet, and I am allergic to it.  For people with Crohn’s Disease or Ulcerative Colitis, it is absolutely catastrophic.  I guess that time kind of got away from me, and I forgot how strong this link actually was for me.  And since I was in remission so long, I thought I was further along in my detoxification and healing process than I actually was. 

However, prior to the recent phase of “falling off the wagon” nutritionally, I was eating a high raw diet of at least 80% raw, mostly low-glycemic foods.  I did very well this way.  I have actually tried eating a mostly frutarian diet in the past, and I found that it was very difficult for me.  I found that I had to eat constantly, and that I struggled with spikes and drops in energy and mood.  Some raw food experts will say that is a common detoxification symptom on any raw regime, and that people give up too easily.  This very well may be the case, but everything I have learned about Hypoglycemia thus far tells me that simple sugar is not a good idea, and that the sugars in fruit are no different, and that vacillations in energy and mood can be attributed to the glycemic index of the food eaten by the individual. 

It is really hard to know what is what sometimes in the world of natural healing.  I am not going to say that the frutarian approach is impossible or incorrect.  Heck, I can even see how the idea of Hypoglycemia could very well be founded in a paradigm which Natural Hygiene is trying to dispel, and that could be totally right.  But what I do know is that the idea of overhauling everything and completely changing AGAIN, after I have already worked so hard to get where I am,  feels flat-out overwhelming.  In addition, I have organically gravitated to the Low Glycemic approach, and have found that it is usually a good idea to trust my intuition.  Don’t get me wrong, sometimes my intuition leads me to things slowly, taking one step at a time that might seem in the moment to be opposing to other ideas, but it turns out to be just one phase on the path.  This is to say that I really don’t feel comfortable right now saying what is right or wrong. 

What I can say is that last night, I was more stressed than is good for me about food, and that I know for sure, based on every approach to health ever advocated, that stress is not going to help me heal.  I think it was way over the top for me to try to be considering choices that will be implemented from now until forever, and that I really need to take this one step or phase at a time.  I have already had major emotional battles with food, and I recognize that now is not a good time to embark on one.  As much as I want to heal quickly, I really do need to be gentle with myself.  So today, I decided to discontinue the reading of David Klein’s book for the time being, and just focus on Paul Nison’s program, which actually seems to be working for me.

In terms of how I am doing on the program, my symptoms are definitely subsiding.  The fever that I detected yesterday seems to be gone, as are the pains, which are now reduced to simply some abdominal discomfort.  My bowels actually seem to be un-freezing a little as well, which is a relief (my experience of Crohn’s Disease usually involves some intestinal paralysis rather than the overactivity that most people experience).  I do have a little more energy and mental clarity than the previous days, though I am still very tired.  If I check in with my body, I feel like I shift between really tired, and really altert. 

I actually managed to get to sleep last night a bit sooner than the previous night, and the anxiety isn’t as bad, though it is still present.  I was startled awake today, and thus experienced a panic that I am not sure would have been there otherwise.  I know I am still not getting the amount of rest that is recommended for me at this time, and I am really wishing that I could.  I am not sure if this is due to coming off of Prednisone, or if this is related to the Adrenal Exhaustion, or both. In any case, I sure hope I can get more rest somehow. 

Tomorrow is day five, which is the last day suggested before moving on to Phase two of the healing program, provided that one’s progress has been sufficient, and that one can tolerate the next phase.  I will assess how I am doing at the end of the day and decide whether I think it’s time to progress to the next phase or not.  Every day seems to be a little better, so we will see what tomorrow brings.

First of all, I could not sleep for the life of me until about 5 in the morning today.  I believe this to be partially due to the weening off of Prednisone I am undergoing.  Actually, I have decided as of last night, that I am not taking it anymore.  I was on a low dose anyway,  and for just a little more than a week.  And I just don’t want to go through the struggle any longer.  I figure I will do things the way I have typically accomplished life, which is harder but faster.  I go through a bit more in a shorter time, but it means I will experience peace sooner, so I’m game.

Second of all, I was riddled with anxiety all night, verging on panic.  I felt that familiar ampiness in my chest, as if some chemical was releasing into my heart and blood, heating and cooling me at the same time.  I was left in a sort of stasis of a kind of hellish feeling. 

I decided in the middle of the restlessness of the wee hours to continue reading Self Healing Colitis & Crohn’s, The Complete Wholistic Guide To Helaing The Gut & Staying Well, Expanded Second Edition, by David Klein Ph.D, which I had begun earlier in the day.   This was both a positive and a negative.  One of the positives was that the book is very well written, to the extent that if I had the background this individual has, and was going to write a practical guide, it would look something a lot like this.  And I do enjoy good writing.  Another one of the positives is that the book is in alignment with many of my views, as well as a lot of the research I have done myself over the years.  So it was both reassuring and empowering. 

On the other hand, one of the negatives was that in the middle of my panic, I began to feel starved and afraid.  My mind was moving so fast that it seemed to gain an appetite of it’s own, and I just could not read fast enough to feed it.  This was compounded by what I now recognize as the last wave of hunger pangs,  which were very intense.  So I skimmed ahead.  I guess it felt tedious to be reading the first sections of the book, which to me seemed repetitive about a message I already agree with, and information I already know.  I really just wanted to know what the program was going to look like.  I wanted to know, frankly, what I could eat. 

All the talk in the book about fruit intensified my appetite, and led me to the point where I almost caved and ate an apple or banana.  Then I started to feel overwhelmed by all of the book’s prospects.  I started to wonder if I would be able to be disciplined enough to accomplish this, and if I would feel isolated from those close to me because of how strict I would need to be.  And then I started to feel conflicted between the two programs, which I later figured out was just because I skipped too far ahead in the second book.  Basically, anxiety was taking hold wherever it could.

I could not foresee last night what I understand presently, because of what I was going through.  I can see now that the program outlined by Dr. Klein will serve as a continuation for me, after the first or second phase of the program I am already embarking on to address the acute flare.  But because of the overwhelm, I found myself longing to just go somewhere where I could heal, exclusively.  I was feeling very burdened by everything I am having to manage on my own and figure out by myself.  I was even feeling overwhelmed by having a loving relationship with someone right now, because I was feeling afraid that I would not have the resources to give to both that, and my healing.  I was really experiencing a substancial pool of emotion.

Dr. Klein’s book mentions a Colitis & Crohn’s Recovery Center, which really sounded good to me.  He even says in the book that it is helpful to do the initial healing in a center like that.  But when I looked online in a fervor last night, and could not find an actual center, I was so disappointed.  It looks like he just offers counseling and consultations, and that there is no on-site location.  I was eager to solicit his advice, but he requires that all clients have read his book in it’s entirety first, so I realized I would have to wait until I finish it before contacting him.  To be honest, I could probably not afford to be in an actual healing center anyway.  I am on Social Security Disability (thank goodness for that), and I am very grateful to have read that Dr. Klein offers a sliding scale, and does not turn people away due to lack of funds. 

It took me a while to calm down before being able to get a little bit of rest.  I ended up thinking about the progress I am making by doing this juice fast.  And I thought about the process of cleansing, and how I just had one day to go before the deep healing effects would begin.  And I basically resigned myself to just stick with what I am doing, and stay focused on getting through at least the five days recommended for healing, and see where I am after that.

Unforunately, I only slept for 3 hours at one time, and then another 3.5 after that, which is definitely not enough.  I woke up both times with terrible constriction in my chest, and the panic feeling again.  I am sure this is also from stopping the steroids. I was so grateful when I got up to find that the E3 Live (which is Klamath Lake blue-green algae) had arrived, as it is an important part of the healing program I am doing (as outlined by Paul Nison), and offers mood balancing support. It definitely took the edge off a little.  I was also pleased to read that this substance acts as an anti-inflammatory, since I am not taking pharmaceutical drugs to mask that symptom anymore.

In fact, I feel a bit like I have a little fever again, and I do feel pains in my gut which I am sure would be worse if I was eating. So I am feeling very glad that I chose to do this program first. Even Dr. Klein’s book suggests a water fast in an acute flare, but I think that is a little too intense for me to handle on my own, so I am happy with the green juices.  And I am still waiting on the enzymes and probiotics to arrive, which I know for certain will be helpful in soothing my gut, as they have been in the past.

I don’t know about Cell Food supplement, however, as I have read some mixed information on that now.  It seems there is a disagreement between alternative health and traditional medicine (as is often the case) regarding whether or not there are any benefits to ingesting colloidal minerals.  But so far, from what I have read, I don’t see any danger in it, especially because it also contains 34 enzymes and 17 amino acids. Hopefully I am correct.

So all in all, a very challenging day. I’m going to keep reading and keep plugging away at this, and I’ll see where I end up tomorrow.

Prednisone is not a fun drug for me. I remember in the past, back when I was really-super-duper sick, I was on very high doses of it. I had to take 2 different psychiatric medications to compensate for what was diagnosed as “Steroid Induced Psychosis”.  I remember that I eventually came to refer to Prednisone as “The Devil,” because of what it did to me. I remember feeling like I was losing my mind, and the aggitation I experienced has never been paralleled in my lifetime.  I felt so powerless to the mood swings and aggression that were tearing through me, but there was nothing I could do.  I was also taking opiates for pain, which have a sedating effect, in addition to the anti-anxiety medicine prescribed to compensate for the steroid psychosis.  These added a component of depression so bad that not even the prescribed anti-depressants helped, and at times, I even contemplated suicide. 

I also remember gaining approximately 20 extra pounds, growing a “moon face” with huge chimpmunk cheeks, and having Edema in my legs. I remember the absolutely insatiable appetite that no amount of food could quell. I was even diagnosed with Cushing’s Syndrom at one point, and my appearance was so drastically different that I hardly recognized myself anymore. This was also a source of depression for me, and vastly affected my self-image and esteem, but in the larger scope of the circumstances, was lower on the list of priorities, next to needing to stay alive and all.

Unfortunately, Prednisone was the only drug that worked at various times in my treatment with Western medicine, so I was pretty miserable a lot of the time. When I think about what that was like, I wonder how in the world I managed to pull myself together enough to decide to find another way.  I guess I never was crazy, in that I realized that if I wanted to get different results, I had to do something different.  And I suppose it really was so intolerable that I was driven to evolve.

I am feeling very grateful that it did not take very high doses of Prednisone to control the flare this time, though the initial doses were high enough for me to experience substancial psychological distress.  While in the hospital, I struggled with panic attacks and a constant feeling of anxiety for no reason.  I remember sitting up in the evening, in tears, randomly, with a pounding in my chest and a feeling like everything was falling apart.  My companion was there once, and understood what was happening, and just held my hand as tight as he could to help sooth me.  It actually helped, because of the proprioception, which I learned about not long ago (more on this later).  The feeling of joint constriction can be very helpful with relieving anxiety.  I am not sure my hand has ever been held so tightly. 

Though it was cookies compared to what I experienced in the past, the panic this time still eventually required the use of sedatives.  Treatment started in the hospital, and I was sent home with a prescription of Ativan along with the Prednisone, to help me through the tapering off process.  Last night was the last time I took the sedative. I think I slept for 12 hours. 

I am down to 10 mg of Prednisone now, and am not feeling the anxiety, just very, very tired.  I will take 10 mg again tomorrow, and then 5mg the next two days, and then I will be finished.  I will not be surprised to experience some level of fatigue and mood fluctuation for a few days following. It has been an intense time.

Presently, I actually work with a Naturopathic Doctor to help repair the damage done to my adrenals from so much corticosteroid use in the past.  We have successfully worked together on other things, such as effectively treating Endometriosis and ovarian cysts (more on these later), so I have a lot of faith in the relationship.  Adrenal repair is a major focus of our work now, and I have had a full panel of testing done, which concluded that my adrenals don’t work as well as they need to.  Specifically, they don’t produce enough testosterone, or dhea, and this is causing a tax on my thyroid, which subsequently does not produce enough thyroid hormone. In addition to this, my cortisol cycle is nearly reversed, and I experience Hypoglycemia related to the adrenal exhaustion. 

This all pretty much just means I am very, very tired, am unable to tolerate even a moderate level of stress, have a really hard time sleeping, experience a lowered sex drive, and have high nutritional needs due to bloodsugar disregulation.  But mostly I am tired.  Close friends have described a “deep exhaustion” about me, which I can simply say I experience as feeling old. 

The adrenal treatment has been beneficial in a few ways so far, most notably that the inclusion of Black Currant in my medicinal regime has soothed the edginess and aggression that I was experiencing before treatment began. Also, occasionally the prescribed Seriphos actually works to lower my cortisol levels at night, and permit me some sound sleep (though this is more rare than I would prefer, thus far).

I am sure this recent course of steroids, though brief, will take a little time to repair as well. As I have said before, I am really looking forward to having alternative methods to use to treat acute flare-ups in the future, should they express again. I really believe that the program I am doing will work, which I’m fairly sure is half the battle. And I am looking forward to the day that I will never have to take Prednisone again. The devil is officially going bye bye.

And after a while, my digestive system will be fully repaired, and my endocrine system will be balanced one more, and I shall experience peace, energy, vitality, and a sense of well being unlike I have in a very, very long time. 

Here’s to a new, better version of body and mind!

I am alternating my dark leafy greens daily, to keep things interesting, and to offset the accumulation of alkaloids, which are high in dark leafy greens, and can cause problems for us in high quantities over time.  This is easily addressed by making sure to keep a variety of veggies and greens in our cuisine, which is also conveniently considered more healthful than eating the same things all the time, so that one may receive a rich variety of phytonutrients.  I probably do not need to worry about this at all right now, given the short nature of this juice fast (Paul suggests 5 days to one week).  But I figured it can’t hurt to keep up with my habit which was securely obtained by reading Green For Life, by Victoria Boutenko, wherein she describes the importance of greens in the human diet, the purpose of plant alkaloids, and the necessity for rotating greens.

I am surprised to say that I am feeling very fulfilled by the juices, and can not actually drink more than about an 8 ounce glass at a time.  This is very interesting in combination with the fact that I am definitely thinking about food.  I am pretty sure I’ve experienced some hunger as well, but I think my body knows that it needs to do this right now, so I am not finding it difficult (although the raspberries in the fridge have certainly caught my eye a time or three *wink*).  I think the fact that I am staying down most of the time is helpful, since I am not using up as much energy, and therefore am not in as high of a caloric debt.  One thing I know about fasting, is that it takes about three days for the digestive system to really reach a state of rest, so I will probably experience some hunger for another day or so.

I am also taking Cell Food, which is a liquid compilation of colloidal minerals, amino acids, and enzymes, considered very high in oxygen enhancing materials, and has many health promoting effects such as balancing internal micro-organisms.  I add the drops to my juices about 3 times a day.  I’ve never taken this stuff before, and I don’t know that much about it.  Just reading the profile of ingredients is very reassuring, however, so I’m thinking that it can only be beneficial. I will do a little more research, but to be honest, I really just want to do what the program outlines, because it obviously worked for this person, and has worked for others, and I just… well basicallically I want it to work.  *smiles*  I figure as long as it seems logical and is backed with some science, and if it already comes from sources I trust, I’ll give it a shot.

I’m still waiting on the other supplements to arrive, as well as the wheat grass juicer.  I wish I had known before I placed my order that Paul’s website offers E3 live with free second day shipping, because then I would have it by today, and I would have spared a few bucks.  But, I know now for future reference.  I think at the time of purchase, it was less complicated to just order everything from one place, which is the nice thing about TheRawFoodWorld.com (a sort of a one stop shop for many of my needs).

I’m slowly coming off of the pharmaceuticals that were prescribed for me in the hospital, as the doctor said I could begin to do that once I was discharged.  It feels like the right thing too, as I find it rather odd to be taking drugs while doing a raw, fresh juice fast!  These were not drugs prescribed for treating more than the acute flare-up either, so I am not too worried about any dangers here.  I have been otherwise drug free for several years, besides.  I am being careful and responsible about it as well.  And I am paying very close attention to what my body tells me (which I believe to be a vastly under-rated and under-developed skill in our culture).  

Mostly I am just so very tired.  I feel fine about the idea of spending a lot of time in bed, and I think some writing and reading are not activities too intense for me to periodically amuse myself with.  But for now, my eyes are beckoning me to close them.

I also received and read “Healing Inflammatory Bowel Disease” by Paul Nison.  This book includes a program to actually heal an active flare-up of Crohn’s or UlcerativeColitis.  The interesting thing is, that as I was reading this book, I recognized several suggestions that I had felt drawn to on my own, earlier in the year, and it got me wondering if I had listened to my bodily cues sooner, maybe I would not be in this mess.  On the other hand, if not for this experience, I would not be writing about it now, and who knows, maybe this is part of the healing.

So, the deal is that for the first phase of the program, I go on a green juice fast for a week, which focuses primarily on dark leafy green vegetables.  During this week, I will be taking just a few extra liquids and whole food supplements, which should arrive in the mail with the wheat grass juicer.  The supplements I will be taking are:

1. E3 Live, which is Klamath Lake Blue Green Algae liquid that is supposed to be the best in the world because it is super high in chlorophyll and other good, healthy things.

2. Wheatgrass which everyone knows is super magical in healing properties, and also high in chlorophyll, and also so detoxifying that I have never had it without feeling sick to my stomach, so this should be fun. *smiles*

3. Especially high medicinal quality Probiotics to rebuild the heck out of my gut flora, and therapeutic enzymes to give plenty of help to metabolic processes, such as repairing damage done to my tender body. *pets self*

4. Something called Cell Food which is a colloidal mineral, amino acid, and enzyme concentrate that will apparently increase the amount of oxygen in my body, or something of that effect which shall prove health promoting and very useful, etc.  

I am supposed to rest mostly while I do this. No work, exercise, or stress.  Just stay in bed the whole time.  It’s quite amusing, actually, it’s mentioned several times in the book.  I get it. ’A great deal of healing takes place during sleep.’  It’s just funny that there are two whole paragraphs on it, which end in the words “Stay in bed!”.   He even says to do it with the eyes closed.  Ok ok.  I will do my best, but I admit that I’ve got two or three books lined up waiting for my open eyes!  But seriously, I understand how important this is, so I’m really going to try. (Of course I’ve spent most of the first day of the fast updating this blog so I would be current and up to date, but who’s looking?) *wink*  He says it will get harder the longer I am on the cleanse, because I will end up with more energy later on.  At that point, I am permitted to listen to soft music and take short walks in the sun.  Wee!

At least the books I have lined up are all super good for me.  One is called “Self Healing Colitis and Crohn’s, Expanded Second Edition” by David Kelin, Ph.D, which looks to be really organized and well written.  I imagine that I know much of what is included in the skeleton of the book, but I’m looking forward to any new findings and interesting things to fill in spaces in my understanding.  And as I’ve mentioned in a prior post, I think it’s really important to adopt healing modalities that match your own consciousness, so you can believe in what you are doing. So I think this will be a good book for me.

The other book I want to take on is “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay.  I even got the gift addition because it has pretty, brightly colored images throughout, which I find delightful, especially when ailing. She healed herself of cancer by changing her thoughts, so I figure she might have something to teach me. 

And the third is a joyful little guilty pleasure.  It is a prequel to a science fiction series that I really like.  I haven’t read for fun in a really long time, so I figure this will be good for balance.  This one is called “First Meetings” by Orson Scott Card. *giggle* I read the first of these books, called “Ender’s Game”, when I was a kid. I loved it, and it’s companion novel, “Ender’s Shadow”. Who doesn’t love a wonderfully written story about genius kids doing battle in space to save the world? And the one I’ve got lined up now is in short story format, so maybe Mr. Nison won’t mind if my eyes are open in short story bursts now and then. *wink*

I realize I had a lot of intellectual energy for things the last few days, and that if I was in the middle of the crisis part of the flare up, I would not have. But I went through that portion in the hospital, and the terribly painful days prior to admission.  I am currently on pharmaceuticals for this for the first time in years, and I’m sure that it has brought the inflammation down so that I am not experiencing horrible pain and fevers such as I was (I was actually cooking at 104 degrees at one point).  If I was still experiencing that, nothing that I have written so far would exist.

So looking on the bright side, I guess some good will come out of having done things this way, as I will get to be more alert and aware of the process, and will have something tangible to look back on.  Although I must say, I am looking forward to having alternative methods of handling flare-ups in the future, if any should occur, for as long as they need to express before I am fully healed.

And alas, now at the end of the day, I think the cleanse is catching up with me, and I am feeling a great need to rest.  Maybe all the sleep won’t be so hard after all.

I have done intense spiritual work since my eyes started opening. There was actually even a time when my physical symptoms were relatively mild, and I jumped at the chance when I felt free enough to travel the world, so I took a pilgrimage to India, which was something I had felt a deep longing to do. I have suffered from wanderlust for a lot of my life, so this was exciting.

The trip was the November before last, and it was life changing. I am so grateful I did it for a couple of different reasons. One is that it felt good to be able to drop everything and go to the other side of the world. I mean, how many times does a regular person get to do that? It felt so wonderful to experience something so far out of my ability to perceive of it, and it gave me a great deal of perspective in the micro and macrocosm. It is safe to say that it tweaked my world view a bit, which is always good in my book.

The other reason I am grateful I took the trip requires a little more explaining. Let us say that in this case, I am using India to represent a process that began before I made it there, and that continues to this day. Let us say, for the sake of the story, that India symbolizes connection to something greater than the self to me. As I have come to understand it, regardless of what a person’s beliefs are (because I really don’t care, as dogma is not my field), connectedness to something greater than the self is extremely important in the process of healing. I’m not even talking about a “higher power” necessarily. Even if it means you believe that you are a part of the greater kingdom of life as a whole. Chances are if you believe that, you feel a place in it, and maybe even responsible to it or for it to some degree. This places you in connectedness with “more”. That is the ticket I’m talking about. It doesn’t matter what it looks like.  Maybe I use the term spirituality loosely compared to others. I’m not telling anyone what to believe, just that it’s helpful to believe in something.  (I’m a fairly intelligent person, but I’m not going to begin to justify why this is a great deal more than simple convenience for human thought. There are plenty of people who have done a much better job of that already.)

My healing process lead down several paths of excavations of an emotional nature, through different healing arts coursework and what I have occasionally referred to as Emotional Archaeology. Basically, my philosophy on existence at this point includes a belief that under the material manifestations of the world, there lies intent. What this means in terms of disease, is that the cause of disease is not seen by me to be merely biological. I view the self as whole. I observe causalities within. For me, this means that I will often go hunting for the emotional and thought patterns that I suspect could be holding an actual physical pattern (as experienced) in my life. It really works for me. There really is not a lot of mystery as to why things happen. The more I learn and awaken, the clearer I can holistically see the contributing factors to my circumstances, of which I am creating. This is not a popular world view, because it requires a great deal of personal responsibility. But I’m good with that. I like knowing I am powerful. And I’ve spent a lot of time deciding what that means to me, and what it looks like in a life I can feel good about leading.

There have been a vast array of beautiful discoveries, and many special treasures of a more delicate nature, all collecting within me over time. Through unraveling and unpeeling and unending bravery, I do believe I have come so close to the core of the issue. I am aware of the emotional roots (woundedness, etc), as well as several of the thought patterns which support the reality I am currently experiencing. So while I do a lot to support myself physically, I do not forget to address the rest. I still have a lot of work to do, too. And now it’s just a matter of figuring out that alignment that will allow every facet to correct without a constant juggling or running about. I need a stillness to work within now.

The challenge has been that I have yet to have landed in the center of what I know long enough to have all the pieces in place and usable. I guess we can call this integration. I need to integrate. I need to be the magician, wielding the magic I have come to behold. It is time to figure out where to set up camp, and start living it, warmly. It is time to come full circle. I know the next key to turn. My body needs me, and so does my heart. I am learning about right love. Whole love. Embracing and giving love. Being love. I am learning the nature of my wholeness. I have had so many dark nights of the soul. It is time to shed the darkness that has come after so much illumination, and finally reside in the light. I am close. There is a great healing at hand.

Nutritionally speaking, I eventually I landed in the world of raw foods. It happened once when I was sick again, and bed-ridden, with nothing better to do than read. One of my roommates at the time had a library of books on raw veganism. I read a book called “Raw Family”by the Boutenko Family, as well as four other books by other authors, all within a couple of days, and decided to go on a 100% raw food diet right away. I even went so far as to give away all my cooked food. I was convinced whole-heartedly that this was the missing piece that was keeping me from experiencing awesome health.

What I could not have forseen coming, was a huge emotional battle with food that would last nearly two years. Every single issue I have with food came up over that period of time. I knew without a doubt that raw foods could heal me, just by the fact that it has now been proven that an 80% raw food diet shuts down the inflammatory process (see the film “Food Matters” here for less than five bucks). And there are people curing cancer with vast quantities of fresh vegetable juice! I even know a couple. But I still just could not seem to break my addictions. Back and forth I would go. Doing really well while eating raw, then eating cooked and feeling worse, and even falling back into eating things that I knew were not good for me in times of stress.

I began to realize, that like many Americans, I had an unhealthy relationship with food. Increasing stress was not helping, and financial fluctuations influenced my diet more than was good for me as well. I had no support from anyone else trying to do what I was doing, which was even considered by some of my friends to be a “crazy move”. My life had become somewhat nomadic after I became well enough to do some self discovery, but I did not see the stress that was accumulating still. And I was still struggling with my health, not really out of the water yet.

I started work on the emotional issues at the core of food trouble, realizing that I had a lot of healing to do there. It amazes me that we can create such incredibly strong life patterns all from old pain. I know that I do not want to live a life that is unconcsiously running out of old painful stories, and sometimes it is necessary to really get to the nitty gritty in order to free ourselves of these things. So I’ve been hanging out there, slowly unraveling and trying to be as gentle with myself as possible. (This is a big story of it’s own, but for the sake of context already built, I will save it for later).

Eventually my studies were bordering on obsession, but it was a comfort to me. It was something I could depend on when I wasn’t feeling well, or when I just couldn’t quite pull myself together. And they brought me to another important revelation. I learned that I really had not completed the cleansing process necessary for the model of healing I have chosen. My toxic load was still too big for me to just carry on like I was perfectly healthy. The detoxification process is probably one of the most misunderstood aspects of healing disease today, and I definitely fell into the haze. I had overlooked several components that would actually complete the regime and bring me the results I wanted.

One of the big concepts discussed in the world of raw food nutrition and detoxing is Auto-intoxication. When a person starts eating cleaner foods, toxins are raised in the body at a rate depending on how much clean food they are eating. If a person does not flush these toxins out of the body as fast as they come up, they re-absorb back into the blood, and thus you are still carrying around those toxins. Kind of defeats the purpose of detoxing, don’t you think? nutritionist Natalia Rose discusses this topic at length in her book The Raw Food Detox Diet, as does health pioneer Matt Monarch in Raw Success, and several other authors and experts.

So it occurred to me that the more raw, cleansing food I ate, the more I needed to take measures to be sure that toxins get flushed. In other words, COLON CARE! Yes, that’s right folks. I realized that my bowels do not work efficiently enough to toss the junk I raised, and this was largely responsible for my plato. Unfortunately, I was not in a financial state to be able to attend to that, so I adjusted by only eating a partially cleansing diet. This works well for a lot of people who don’t want to experience and intense detox, or who don’t have space in their life for that, for instance.

But the one thing that I was forgetting was that I was not healthy yet. The truth is, I was locked in a place where I could really not afford to do anything part way. I knew intuitively that I needed to be eating a 100% cleansing raw food diet if I wanted to heal completely. I knew that I needed the appropriate colon care and digestive support to facilitate this process. But low and behold, I had gotten myself into a life situation where I was financially stuck. And I wasn’t actively sick, but I didn’t feel well yet. And little by little, over time, especially over the past year, I started having digestive problems again.

And then…

A combination of intense life factors all occurred at once. Moving a couple of times in a row, family crisis, conflict at home, financial problems, adrenal exhaustion, and some really bad food choices all caught up with me. And thus, we are here, at the present state of affairs.

To be clear, I do not see this as a relapse per se.  I see this as a healing crisis which needs my attention.  A minor regression, if you will, which simply provides me with an opportunity to clean this mess up for good.  And I fully intend on doing just that.